Sexpectations in a Pastors Marriage
Let’s be honest, Pastor.
Let’s be honest, Mummy Pastor.
Sex is one of those topics that can make even the most experienced preacher suddenly need to clear his throat, check his notes, or pretend there’s an emergency phone call he has to step outside to answer.
As pastors and pastors' wives, we are experts at teaching about purity, warning against immorality, and emphasizing holiness, but the moment the topic of sex within marriage comes up, we start speaking in parables. Instead of saying it outright, we resort to holy code words like marital duty, ministering to your spouse, or knowing each other in the biblical sense, as if the entire congregation doesn’t already know what we mean!
For many of us in ministry, the way we were raised in church didn’t help. Sex was always talked about as a sin to avoid, never as a blessing to enjoy.
"Don’t touch."
"Don’t look."
"Don’t even think about it!"
And so, we spent years doing everything possible to stay pure. But then, one wedding ceremony later and on our honeymoon, we are suddenly expected to flip a switch and enter a lifetime of godly, uninhibited, passion-filled intimacy, with no instruction manual except for what the world, culture, or personal failures offers.
Small wonder many pastors' marriages struggle in this area.
And here’s the irony: being in ministry doesn’t exempt us from these struggles; it often makes them worse. The pressures of leading a congregation, carrying the burdens of others, and maintaining the image of a strong spiritual leader don’t just leave pastors and their wives emotionally drained and physically disconnected, it makes intimacy scarce and, when it does happen, less physically satisfying.
So, let me start with what I hope should be obvious.
God Invented Sex, And He Designed It For You To Enjoy, Not Just Endure!
Sex was not created by Hollywood.
Sex was not invented by the world.
Sex was not the devil’s idea.
Sex was God’s idea!
Genesis 2:24-25 says: "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."
Did you catch that last part? They were naked and felt no shame.
That means God’s original design for sex in marriage is meant to be free of shame, guilt, or embarrassment. Yet, for many pastors and their wives, sex sometimes feels less like a God-given gift and more like a nightly (or bi-annual) chore. Between ministry demands, sermon prep, counselling sessions, endless church programs, and late-night prayer meetings, let’s just say that for some pastors’ marriages, the only thing in greater need of revival than your congregation is your sex life.
Now, before you start thinking, “Ah, this topic is not for me”, it is. If ministry has made passion and intimacy take a backseat in your marriage, then we need to talk. Not in hushed tones. Not in vague spiritual metaphors. But honestly and biblically.
But before we talk about restoring intimacy, we need to address why so many pastors' marriages struggle in this area in the first place.
4 LIES WE BELIEVE ABOUT SEX IN MARRIAGE
Many pastors and their wives have unknowingly adopted false “sexpectations”; ideas about sex that sound right but actually harm intimacy in marriage. Some of these beliefs stem from cultural norms, others from church teachings that focused more on restriction than healthy sexuality, and others still from the unrealistic portrayals of romance we see in entertainment.
These misconceptions often lead to frustration, disappointment, and even guilt, making sex in marriage feel more like a struggle than the joyful, fulfilling gift God designed it to be. So, let’s examine four of the most common lies we believe about sex in marriage, and what the truth actually is.
Lie #1: Sex in Marriage Will Always Be Amazing
Many pastors and their wives enter marriage with the idea that, because sex is God’s gift, it will always be mind-blowing, effortless, and deeply fulfilling from day one. After all, if you’ve honoured God by waiting, shouldn’t He bless you with instant and automatic sexual compatibility?
Reality check: Just like anything else in marriage, sex requires effort, learning, and patience.
Even within the safe and blessed context of marriage, sex is not automatically perfect. Newlyweds often find that their first few experiences are awkward, clumsy, and even frustrating. For others, it takes months (or years) to figure out what works for both spouses. Some couples struggle with differences in desire, body image concerns, or past experiences that affect intimacy. And as seasons change, pregnancy, parenthood, aging, your sex life will go through ups and downs.
The good news? It doesn’t have to be perfect to be godly. God’s design for sex is not about achieving Hollywood-style perfection but about building intimacy over time. Proverbs 5:18 encourages us to “rejoice in the wife of your youth”, implying that joy in marriage, including sexual joy, is something that is cultivated, not automatic.
Sex is a journey, not a one-time achievement. The key is to approach it with grace, patience, and a willingness to learn—together.
Lie #2: Sex is Primarily for the Man
A common but dangerous misconception, especially in Nigerian religious circles, is that sex is primarily for the husband’s pleasure, while the wife’s role is to “fulfill her duty.” Some women are taught from a young age that their desires are secondary and that their greatest contribution to intimacy is compliance, not enjoyment. This lie is further compounded by a pornography-saturated culture that reinforces the notion that sex is complete when the man is satisfied, reducing a wife’s pleasure to an afterthought.
But clearly, this is not biblical.
Scripture makes it clear that sexual intimacy was designed for the enjoyment of both spouses. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says: "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife."
This means: Sex is not just for men. Wives are not just participants; they are equal partners in pleasure.
Many pastors’ wives struggle with this because they were never taught to embrace their own sexuality. Some have internalized the idea that “good Christian women don’t desire sex” or that it is “unspiritual” to express desire. Others have become frustrated because their husbands focus only on their own satisfaction, forgetting that true intimacy means ensuring both partners are fulfilled.
Reality Check: If God wanted only husbands to enjoy sex, He wouldn’t have given wives nerve endings too. The fact of the matter is that intimacy in marriage was designed to be a duet, not a solo performance.
Lie #3: Sex Will Eventually Fizzle Out
Somewhere along the way, many pastors and their wives start to believe that there’s an expiration date on passion. They assume that after a certain number of years, especially once kids, ministry, and life’s responsibilities take over, the sex department in their marriage quietly shuts down, and they are expected to live like consecrated eunuchs.
But the truth? Sex can actually get better with time!
While the physical intensity of young love may fade, the depth of connection, trust, and emotional intimacy can actually make intimacy more fulfilling. The Song of Solomon (which we’ll explore in detail in the next section) doesn’t just celebrate the passion of newlyweds in chapter 4, it paints a picture of love that grows deeper over time by the end.
Even research supports this reality. In the boo, “Married Sex”, Christian authors Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta reference clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr. David Schnarch, who points out that many couples in their 40s, 50s, and beyond report greater sexual satisfaction than in their younger years. Why? Because by then:
They know each other deeply.
They’ve overcome insecurities.
They’ve learned what truly brings each other joy.
Intimacy in marriage is not a fire that naturally burns out, it’s a flame that must be tended. The key? Keep pursuing each other. Keep communicating. Keep prioritizing intimacy. Don’t settle for a routine when God designed marriage for renewal. Passion isn’t just for the early years of marriage, it’s meant to be cultivated for a lifetime.
Lie #4: I’ll Always Be in the Mood for Sex
Many people assume that healthy marriages always include high sexual desire, that if you truly love your spouse, you should always feel ready and eager for intimacy.
But real life tells a different story.
Stress, exhaustion, ministry pressure, and emotional burdens can all impact desire.
Women, in particular, experience hormonal shifts that can make libido unpredictable.
Some seasons of marriage will be full of passion, while others will be marked by challenges.
The key to overcoming this lie is communication and grace. Instead of assuming that low desire means something is wrong, couples need to talk openly, understand each other’s needs, and find ways to reconnect. Sex should never feel like an obligation; it should be something both spouses look forward to.
The bottom line? A healthy sex life isn’t about always being in the mood, it’s about always being willing to prioritize intimacy.
So, let’s talk about how to do that in marriage.
3 SEX LESSONS FROM THE WISEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED
Would it surprise you to know that there is an entire book of the Bible, and an entire chapter, dedicated to teaching us how a husband and wife should enjoy sexual intimacy in marriage?
It’s called The Song of Songs (or The Song of Solomon), and it is a poetic and deeply intimate celebration of romance and godly intimacy between a husband and his bride. It not only gives us a glimpse into God’s design for marriage and passion, but it also teaches us practical wisdom about how husbands and wives can cultivate intimacy in their relationship.
Before we dive into the three key lessons on sexual intimacy in a pastor’s marriage, let’s get a little background on this remarkable book. The Song of Solomon is written in the form of a poetic dialogue between two lovers, and a few sidekicks:
King Solomon (the husband).
The Shulammite woman (his beloved bride).
The daughters of Jerusalem, (a group of onlookers who occasionally offer commentary on the love story unfolding before them).
If you follow the progression of their relationship, you’ll notice that:
Chapters 1-2: The couple is dating and getting to know each other, building emotional intimacy first.
Chapter 3: They get married and celebrate a lavish wedding day.
When we get to chapter 4, we have entered their honeymoon suite, where the couple experiences their first night together.
And this is where we will focus our attention. This chapter offers us a biblical blueprint for intimacy, one that reveals how men and women experience and respond to sex differently, and what that means for building passion in a marriage.
LESSON #1: HER BRAIN IS HER MOST IMPORTANT SEX ORGAN
Let’s begin with Song of Solomon 4:1-3, where Solomon speaks to his bride on their wedding night: "How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate."
Okay, first things first: DO NOT start comparing your wife to sheep and goats! This is Hebrew poetry, which uses rich agricultural metaphors to express admiration and desire.
But here’s what I want you to notice, even though Solomon and his bride are already on their their honeymoon, in their wedding suite, on their marriage bed… he hasn’t even touched her body yet.
All he has done is speak to her mind.
He admires her eyes.
He praises her hair.
He compliments her smile.
He tells her she is beautiful.
Even though they are physically in bed together, Solomon is starting with her mind before her body.
Men Respond to Sight, Women Respond to Words
One of the biggest lessons from this passage is how men and women approach intimacy differently. Men are highly visual. They are aroused by what they see. Women, however, are highly verbal. They are aroused by what they hear and feel emotionally.
This is why a husband might think, “We’re already naked in bed, what are we waiting for?” But a wife might think, “I need to feel emotionally connected before I can be physically engaged.” It’s not that a wife doesn’t care about physical intimacy, it’s that her primary way of preparing for it is mental and emotional.
Think about it this way, a man’s sex drive is like Indomie noodles, quick, instant, ready in two minutes. All you have to do is unwrap it, boil it for a bit, sprinkle in the pre-packed seasoning, and just like that, it’s done! Women, however, are more like Pounded Yam and Efo Riro. With her, you have to peel the yam, wash the yam, boil it till it’s soft. Then you’ll need to give it a good 7-10 minutes of pounding (I’m still talking about yam). Meanwhile, you have to get the leaves for the soup, wash it, boil it, season it, add some blended pepper to it. You’ll also need to boil the seasoned meat till it too is soft and ready to be mixed into the soup, and only then is it ready to eat. (Gentlemen, if that illustration went over your head, kindly read it out loud to your wife. Trust me, she’ll be more than happy to break it down for you, probably with a few extra details).
But a lack of this understanding is why some husbands struggle when they initiate sex and their wife says, “I’m tired” or “I’m not in the mood.” Sometimes, it is biological (exhaustion, hormones, stress), but most times, it is emotional. And if her mind and heart are not engaged, her body will struggle to respond.
What This Means for Pastors and Their Wives
As a pastor, you already understand the power of words, how a well-timed encouragement can uplift someone’s spirit. Now apply that same wisdom to your marriage.
If your wife has been stressed all day, taking care of the children, managing responsibilities, or dealing with her own emotions, then suddenly expecting her to be passionate and excited in a moment’s notice is unrealistic.
Sexual intimacy does not begin in the bedroom, it begins a few hours before you’re both naked in bed. It begins with how you speak to her mind and care for her heart (I’ll get to the practicalities later in the blog). As Solomon showed us, romance is not just about what you do, it’s about how you make her feel.
LESSON #2: SPEAK TO YOUR WIFE’S MIND
We continue in Song of Solomon 4:4-7, where Solomon, still in the intimacy of their honeymoon suite, continues to affirm and adore his bride: "Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense. All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you."
Now, let’s pause here. Did Solomon’s wife truly have no flaw? Is it possible that there is a woman out there who is physically perfect in every way? Of course not! But look at what he is saying: "My wife, YOU are my standard of beauty. YOU are what I think every woman should look like!"
This is one of the most powerful truths a wife needs to hear from her husband, that she is enough, she is beautiful, and she still holds a special place in your heart.
The Silent Struggle Many Wives Face
Let’s be honest, time changes people.
Age, stress, pregnancy, weight fluctuations, ministry demands, and life’s responsibilities can all make a wife feel less beautiful than she once did.
Meanwhile, pastors, who once showered their wives with compliments, gifts, and admiration, often get too busy, too familiar, and too distracted to express love as they did when they were dating.
The same man who used to write love notes and whisper sweet words now only calls when he needs his Sunday suit ironed.
Yet, women never stop needing to hear that they are loved, desired, and beautiful in their husband’s eyes. This is why speaking to your wife’s mind is crucial. This is part of the pounded yam and Efo Riro process! Because, when a husband speaks life into his wife, reminding her of her beauty, value, and worth, something shifts in her.
She feels cherished.
She feels wanted.
She feels safe and open to intimacy.
In fact, a woman who feels deeply loved and admired by her husband will naturally respond with warmth, affection, and passion in bed.
Now, before you start arguing, “Ah, but I tell her I love her all the time”, ask yourself:
When was the last time you complimented her appearance, not just her cooking or housekeeping?
When was the last time you looked at her with admiration and not just familiarity?
When was the last time you told her she is still the most beautiful woman in the world to you?
Because here’s the truth:
If another man tells her these things before you do, his words will have more weight, not because she’s looking for attention, but because she is human and longs to feel seen.
The Silent Struggle Many Husbands Face
Likewise, just as a wife longs to feel adored and cherished, a husband longs to feel respected and admired. Women may long to hear, “You are beautiful,” but men long to hear, “I admire you.” In the same way a woman needs verbal and emotional affirmation to feel connected, a husband needs to feel respected in his actions and contributions.
A pastor gives so much to others, his congregation, his family, his community, but often his deepest need is to feel that his sacrifices are seen and valued by his wife.
Wives, consider this:
Praise his work ethic. Tell him you appreciate how hard he works to provide.
Admire his strengths. Men are naturally competitive, so affirm something about him that makes him stand out among his peers.
Appreciate his fatherhood. If he spends time with the children, acknowledge it. Even if he isn’t perfect, the fact that he is trying is worth appreciating.
Compliment his looks. Women love to hear they’re beautiful, but men also like to know they still look good in your eyes. Tell him he looks handsome, that he smells good, or that you love his a physical aspect about him.
Just as words of love open a woman’s heart to intimacy, words of respect open a man’s heart to connection. For this reason, pastors, speak to your wife’s mind. Wives, speak to your husband’s confidence. This is not just a suggestion, it’s a biblical principle. It’s why Ephesians 5:25-28 reminds us: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word. … In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." And why it later says in Ephesians 5:33: "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
A Warning: The Silent Killer of Intimacy – Pornography
On the flip side of intimacy, let’s talk about one of the biggest threats to a pastor’s marriage, pornography.
Listen, if you are regularly feasting your mind on pornography, your desire for your spouse will be hijacked. Why? Because pornography trains your brain to expect unrealistic, hyper-intense sexual experiences that do not reflect real-life intimacy.
This goes for women too, but from a slightly different angle. While men are more likely to struggle with pornography, women often indulge in a different kind of fantasy: romanticized fiction, emotionally charged movies, and unrealistic depictions of love and passion.
For men, the struggle is visual, the temptation to desire an unrealistic body, intensity, and performance. For women, the struggle is emotional, the temptation to fantasize about an unrealistic level of romance, pursuit, and passion. Both distort reality. Both pull spouses away from each other and into a world that does not exist.
When a man (or woman, for that matter) indulges in pornography, romantic fantasy novels, or overly idealized romance films, they are training their mind to desire fantasy over reality. And over time, here’s what happens:
You subconsciously start comparing your spouse to fake, edited images, or unrealistic romantic gestures.
As a husband, you may expect sex to be constant, instant, and mind-blowingly intense.
As a wife, you may start sexualizing your husband, not because you desire him for who he is, but because you are trying to turn him into a character from a fantasy.
The wife may begin feeling unsatisfied with her husband’s real-life expressions of love because they don’t match the scripted romance in her mind.
The husband’s emotional absence leaves his wife feeling unseen, inadequate, and disconnected.
Passion fades. Desire dies. Resentment builds.
Many men think of pornography as just a “private struggle”, something that only affects them personally. Many women think of romanticized fantasy as harmless entertainment, a simple “escape” into a world of love and desire. But here’s the truth:
Pornography is not harmless entertainment; it is an enemy of intimacy in marriage.
Romantic fantasy is not innocent escapism, it can make a wife dissatisfied with her real husband.
Both can rob a couple of true intimacy because they create unrealistic desires that real people can never fulfil.
And let’s be clear, this is not just a marriage issue, it is a spiritual and ministry issue. Pornography and unchecked fantasy are anointing-killers in the life of a pastor. It subtly erodes the spiritual vitality needed to lead with boldness and integrity. Sermon preparation becomes hollow when the weight of hidden sin lingers in your heart. How can you preach on holiness with conviction when you’re privately wrestling with impurity? Counseling others feels burdensome because you begin to question your own moral authority. How can you challenge someone to walk in purity when your own mind is entangled in unholy desires? Even confronting sin in the congregation becomes complicated when you feel enslaved to the very temptations you are warning others about. You may find yourself avoiding tough conversations, watering down hard truths, or lacking the confidence to correct others because your own conscience is not clear.
Unchecked sexual sin doesn't just affect your marriage, it dilutes your ministry, weakens your spiritual authority, and dulls your ability to lead with clarity.
So, if you’ve noticed that your marriage lacks passion, or your spouse seems emotionally distant, or intimacy feels forced, frustrating, or unfulfilling, then one or both of you should ask yourselves: “Have I been filling my appetite with something outside of my marriage?”
If the answer is yes, it’s time to repent, renew your mind, and reset your desires. Because fantasy, whether sexual or romantic, will always leave you empty. But intimacy, when pursued in God’s design, within a committed marriage, will fill you with the kind of love and connection that nothing artificial can ever replace.
LESSON #3: SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE IS MEANT TO BE PLAYFUL, FUN, AND GENTLE
After Solomon has spoken to his bride’s mind, we now see them playfully exploring each other’s bodies and appreciating one another. He describes this moment in Song of Solomon 4:5-7: "Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense. All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you."
Consider his choice of words. Solomon could have compared her breasts to any object, marble pillars, golden goblets, even well-carved stone, but instead, he chooses fawns. In case you don’t know, a fawn is a baby deer. Imagine a soft, delicate, skittish little puppy-like animal. What do you do with it? You don’t grab it. You don’t rush it. You don’t force it. You approach it gently, with patience and care.
This is the picture Solomon is painting about sex. Sexual intimacy in marriage is not supposed to be mechanical, rushed, or aggressive (unless of course your wife explicitly and wilfully consents to it). But generally speaking, sex with your wife is meant to be playful, fun, and tender.
I mentioned earlier that men are like Indomie noodles, quick, instant, and ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like pounded yam and Efo Riro, slow-cooked, rich, and requiring careful preparation. This difference matters in the way intimacy unfolds in marriage.
Biologically, men tend to climax much faster than women. A husband may be ready for sex instantly, while his wife may need time to get in the mood. This doesn’t mean something is wrong; it simply means that patience and generosity are essential for a fulfilling sex life.
A key reality to acknowledge is that it is rare for both husband and wife to climax at the exact same time. However, a loving and attentive spouse understands that intimacy is not just about personal satisfaction, it’s about mutual fulfilment. If a husband reaches climax first, being a gentle and generous lover means making sure his wife is not left behind.
Solomon understood this principle. He wasn’t just focused on his own pleasure, he delighted in his wife’s beauty, he took his time, and he made sure she felt loved and cherished. This kind of patience and care builds trust, deepens intimacy, and strengthens the emotional bond between husband and wife.
The goal of godly intimacy is not just to experience pleasure, but to cultivate connection. When both spouses approach sex with an attitude of love, patience, and generosity, it transforms intimacy from a mere physical act into a sacred and deeply fulfilling experience.
Be a Student of Your Spouse’s Body
Here’s the good news: You can bring your sex life back to life.
How? By having honest conversations.
Many couples never talk about their sex life, either because it feels awkward, or because they assume they should “just know” what their spouse enjoys. But the truth is, your spouse is not a mind reader. If sex feels unsatisfying, boring, or one-sided, the solution is not to ignore it, it’s to talk about it.
Ask each other: What would make sex more enjoyable for you?
Discuss what you like and what you don’t like.
Be open, honest, and willing to learn from each other.
God designed sex not just for reproduction, but for joy, pleasure, and deep connection. If you’ve stopped enjoying it, it’s time to start being intentional again.
WHAT IS AND ISN’T PERMISSIBLE IN A PASTOR’S MARRIAGE BED?
In our Soul Care Trainings for pastors, a common question I hear is: “Is there anything the Bible forbids a married couple from doing in their marriage bed?” Usually, the pastor or pastor-couple asking me have explored some ‘options’ that are now making them feel a little... convicted.
Here’s the good news: God is not a killjoy. The Bible gives husbands and wives the freedom to enjoy and explore intimacy, but with helpful boundaries that protect holiness, honour, and mutual respect.
So, before you try that “new idea” you saw somewhere, here are three key questions to consider.
1. Is What We Want to Explore a Sin?
Not everything pleasurable is permissible. For example, if spicing up your sex life in marriage involves anyone outside of your marriage, it is sin, plain and simple. Bringing a third person into your marriage bed, whether physically or virtually (through pornography), shifts sex from holy to adulterous. Jesus made it clear that adultery isn’t just physical, it begins in the heart and the mind (Matthew 5:28).
If it requires violating the covenant of exclusivity between husband and wife, it is not God’s design.
2. Will It Create Shame for Either of Us?
Genesis 2:24 says, “…the man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
The moment an act in your marriage bed causes shame, discomfort, or emotional hurt for either spouse, it stops fostering intimacy and starts creating a wound. Some things may be physically permissible but still leave one spouse feeling disrespected, embarrassed, or pressured. This could stem from past trauma, personal insecurities, or simple discomfort, whatever the reason, it should always be respected.
And let’s be clear: if your spouse is unwilling to try something new and your response is to guilt-trip or pressure them (or worse, force them), you are not enhancing intimacy—you are suffocating it. Instead of building connection, you are creating emotional scars that may take years to heal.
Always remember: the goal of sex in marriage is to nurture lifelong intimacy, not to leave emotional wounds.
3. Will It Enslave Us?
Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 6:12, “All things are permissible for me, but not all things are beneficial. I will not be mastered by anything.”
Sexual intimacy should be an expression of love, not an addiction or obsession.
If a certain practice becomes compulsive or unhealthy…
If it begins to dominate your thoughts or override emotional connection…
If it shifts the focus from intimacy to mere physical gratification…
…then it is no longer serving your marriage, it is controlling it.
Only you and your spouse can answer these questions honestly. But if intimacy is about love and connection, it should always reflect honour, joy, and mutual fulfilment, not guilt, pressure, or bondage. Beyond these helpful boundaries, pastors, you and your spouses are to enjoy one another without fear, shame, or guilt.
10 WAYS TO SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE AS A PASTOR AND PASTOR’S WIFE
Now that we’ve tackled the misconceptions, looked at what Scripture says, and addressed the things that hinder intimacy, let’s get really practical. How do you, as a pastor or pastor’s wife, take intentional steps to bring excitement, passion, and joy back into your sex life?
Here are five ways (each) that husbands and wives can spice up their sex life, ensuring that intimacy remains exciting, fulfilling, and deeply bonding.
For Husbands/Pastors:
1. Don't Just Focus on What’s Between Her Legs – Explore Her Entire Body
Your wife’s entire body is a gift that deserves your attention. Too often, men rush straight to the goal, ignoring the journey. Slow down. Take your time to kiss her neck, stroke her back, caress her arms, and run your fingers through her hair. Let her feel adored from head to toe. The more she feels valued, the more open she will be to intimacy.
2. The Power of Touch – More Than Just a Means to an End
Many husbands underestimate the power of non-sexual touch. A gentle massage, a slow back rub, or simply holding her close without an immediate agenda will make her feel safe and desired. Women respond to affection throughout the day, not just in the bedroom. A wife who feels cherished outside of intimacy will be more eager to respond when intimacy begins.
3. Pay Attention to Her Body – She’s Speaking Without Words
Your wife may not always verbalize what she enjoys, but her body will. Watch how she reacts when you touch her in certain places. Pay attention to her breathing, her body movements, and the little sounds she makes. Whatever she responds positively to, do more of it. When a husband learns to “read” his wife’s responses, he becomes a master in the art of satisfying her.
4. Express Desire – Let Her Know She Drives You Crazy
Women love knowing that they have power over their husband’s attraction. Don’t just assume she knows, show her. Look at her with admiration when she’s getting dressed. Whisper how beautiful she is. Gaze at her body when she undresses. Compliment the things you love about her, not just in general but in detail. When she feels sexy in your eyes, she will embrace her sexuality more freely.
5. Be Generous in Giving Pleasure – Not Every Time Should Be About You
One of the greatest mistakes some men make is being selfish in bed. Sex should never be just about relieving your own desires; it should be a shared experience of pleasure and intimacy. Take the time to please your wife first. Explore what excites her. Show patience. The more you prioritize her pleasure, the more she will naturally reciprocate. If all else fails, ASK HER what part of her body she wants you to focus on.
For Wives/Pastors Wives:
1. Put Sex in Your To-Do List – Prepare Your Mind and Body for Passion
As a pastor’s wife, you juggle many responsibilities, ministry, children, work, and home management. If you wait until everything is “perfect” before making time for intimacy, it may never happen. Instead, schedule it in your mind. Make it a point during the day to anticipate it, and look forward to it. Even better, tease your husband in the morning by promising a fun sexy night. Send him a few text messages during the day to remind him you’re looking forward to him coming home. Believe me, that man will be at home at 5pm on the dot ready to rock-n-roll!
2. Be Involved in Foreplay – Don’t Just Lie There, Take Initiative
One of the biggest frustrations for many husbands (expressed in our live trainings) is when their wives treat sex as something they “allow” rather than something they actively participate in. Wives, touch your husband intimately. Kiss him passionately. Explore his body. Play with his chest, massage his shoulders, and engage fully in foreplay. When a man sees his wife enjoying intimacy as much as he does, it takes the experience to another level.
3. Whisper in His Ear – Use Your Words to Drive Him Wild
Men are highly responsive to verbal affirmation during intimacy. While your husband may not always say it, hearing you moan, or whisper his name, or describe what you’re enjoying will intensify his pleasure. Whisper in his ear how much you love him, how good he makes you feel, and what you want him to do next. It will make all the difference!
4. Be Adventurous – Change Venues and Positions
Who said sex must always be in the bedroom, under the covers, at the same time of the night? Surprise your husband by changing the location, the living room, the shower, or even a different room in the house (make sure doors are locked and sealed). Experiment with new positions that bring variety. When intimacy feels unpredictable and exciting, it remains something both of you eagerly anticipate.
5. Dress for Sex – What He Sees Affects How He Feels
Men are visual creatures. What you wear before bed (or what you don’t wear) makes a significant difference. Instead of old pajamas and oversized T-shirts, invest in lingerie or wear something that makes you feel sexy. The more effort you put into looking desirable for your husband, the more he will desire you.
God designed sex to be a joyful, satisfying, and passionate experience for both husband and wife. But just like every other part of marriage, it requires intentionality. If intimacy has become dull or routine, take these steps to rekindle the excitement.
GET YOUR SEXY BACK!
Solomon and his bride embraced this freedom. He spoke to her mind, she responded with joy, and they delighted in each other’s love. That’s why, in Song of Songs 4:16, the bride confidently invites her husband into intimacy: "Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits."
Just so we’re clear, these verses aren’t about gardening.
The beauty of this moment is that both spouses feel safe, desired, and fully engaged. This is what God intended, intimacy that is free, mutual, and deeply satisfying.
And here’s the most remarkable part: At the close of this love scene, we hear another voice in Song of Songs 5:1, a voice that isn’t Solomon’s or his bride’s. "Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers."
Many scholars believe this is the voice of God Himself. He is not ashamed of their intimacy, He blesses it!
For too long, pastors and pastors’ wives have carried an unnecessary weight of shame, guilt, or silence around sexual intimacy, as if passion and pleasure are carnal instead of covenantal. But the same God who created marriage also created desire. He put those desires in you, and He wants you to enjoy them fully within the lifelong covenant of marriage.
So, Pastors, pursue your wives like you did when you were dating. Pastors’ wives, embrace your sexuality with joy. Because in a godly marriage, sex is not just allowed, it’s celebrated!
